My New Wallpaper

Created this wallpaper for my Macbook. I have been using Ubuntu Studio via VMware for a week now, and love the power of two OSs on one system.

In Conversation: I and Me

What do you do at times when you desperately want to talk to someone, anyone for that matter? You have thuoghts, emotions, very powerful ones welling up inside you that need a reciever if not a respondent. It just doesn't matter even if that person two hoots about you or your feelings/emotions or not. At such a point in time, all that you need is a release. Some way of letting all that lies pent up within you OUT.

I log in to gtalk. My luck! There's only one of my gmail contacts that are online at this point in time. And, guess what? It's me again! I had added my work id to my gtalk for some strange reason, and today of all days, I am faced with the amazing gift of the online media. You can pretend that you are talking to another freind of yours when actually, it's no one else but you at the other end. Makes for brilliant psychological analysis or niche coffee table healing book material (probably) but just doesn't work for me!

I stare in frustration at the green dot that signals that 'I' am available to talk to 'me' and most importantly, that 'I' am the only person available to 'me.' Am I reading too much into the situation or is it some sort of cosmic truth that's being handed to me on a talk clinet (literally)? In this age, when distances have become a virtual concept, because you can 'actually' reach any of your friends at any time over chat, phone, email, social networking sites, you name it, do we still have only ourselves to trust and sound out to when faced with cirses?

The answer is complex and one that I probably am the last person fit enough to answer. I also want to make it a point to state that it isn't that I don't have trustworthy frinds who I can share stuff with. I have very few, but very good friends and I treasure them and guard our fiendship like a hungry hound. But, I guess we have to accept that everything in this universe happens within a time frame. And in this frame of time, I can only talk to myself.

I try chatting across the chat clients on my desktop, but choose to use this notepad instead. There are things I need to sort out; first, with myself. I am confused, frustrated, scared of the unknown that I want to venture into. Also, I feel very vulnerable and weak. But this isn't what I want to be. I have been looking for an answer for quite some time now, and it has made me impatient. But I guess I have known the answer all along. This discussion just made it clear as daylight to me. I needed a strong affirmation from 'me' that I'm thinking right, that the path I want to tread is the right path for me (at least at this point in time), and more than anythign else, that I can. I can be what I want to be; who I want to be. No matter what I'm given to believe by whoever, I am ME. 

Thanks buddy! Thanks for signing off on my appraisal of me. It was great talking to you, and you know what? I don't give a shit to any nonsense anymore; I won't take it lying down anymore. I have gotten my answer and will make sure I reach 'my' destination.

A Winter Morning Long Ago

[Don't have a reason but thought I'd go ahead and post this today. It has been lying in my 'Documents' for over a year now. Is it wise to post it? Not sure if it even makes sense...nevertheless...]

A soft morning glow stretches across the sky. From up here, the distant skyline looks a tinge of light pink on the right. On the left, it’s still dark, and the houses of Fulbari are a mere haze. I feel my body awaken to a gentle tremor which makes me sit up. I don’t know why it’s always the same. I sit up, strain my eyes for any sign of movement in the northernmost horizon. There isn’t any. I know there won’t be any though I can definitely feel the tremor gradually increasing in intensity. I look down to see a hazy reflection in the water which runs almost gleefully away. There is a sense of expectancy in the air that is difficult to ignore. I try and gather my shirt around me a little tightly as if to counter the steady wind that makes my eyes burn. I keep wiping the trickles though I am not crying. It feels funny and all of a sudden I am seized with an uncontrollable urge to do something. I stand up. Throwing my slippers away in between the lines of cold steel i pull myself up to the best of my abilities drawing heavy gusts of breath. The chill almost hits the insides of my nostrils making a slight chill go down my spine. It’s not fear. It’s the excitement the makes your nerves tense for a second before relaxing into a state controlled unrest that eggs you on to take the plunge.

 

The tremor isn’t feeble any more. I can feel the cold steel vibrate under my feet. The northern horizon, barely a hundred yards away is still a curtain of mist and darkness but there is something beyond it that is steadily making its presence or progression felt. This is the moment. I turn left to see the houses of Fulbari once, fix my gaze on the north, turn right and let my instincts take over my reason. With a swift movement I heave my body off my feet and lunge in the air. The northern horizon a disturbed film of motion, noise, and smoke now, I stretch my right feet and land on the other end. My body still trying to regain the balance after a long jump, the morning local tears past signaling the official arrival of the new day.

I Hate...

Well, it feels really surreal to be writing this...probably I've lost it or am going to pretty soon. But the fact is that I never thought I 'hate' something. The idea of hating something or someone seemed really appaling. Not that it was a philosophical stance or anything but just that, until very recently, I used to think that I'm capable of dealing with things, people, situations...not a problem, I can always 'think my way through.' 'You don't always have to react, right.' 'Just take it cool, think things through and you'll know what to do, how to react bla bla. Give people (peace) a chance.

Urrrrrrgh. Nonsense. You can give people a chance only if they are willing to give themselves or you a chance; not otherwise. And,  my friend, that's where the problem lies. That's why I 'hate'

situations where everyone is equally frustrated and incapacitated cause they really can't do much to help. As a result, they play the one-up game. You wanna see, I can flex my muscles here, just you wait, gotcha! You think I'm going to give you an easy time? Well, do I get it? Wait and watch how I screw things up for you.

What's the solution? I really don't know yaar. I think it'd help if everybody came clean and just vented 'out' and not 'at' someone. Why can't everybody say, look here I'm really fucked up, and there isn't a lot I can do about it; can you help? 

Let's face it. There isn't going to be a second coming anytime soon (no religious sentiments please, I'm being literal) and I don't see any messaih around. The ones who claim to be are even more fucked up than you can imagine. So, it's really up to you. Do you want to necessarily hurt someone or do you want someone to listen to you, say you're going to be alright, maybe. offer a pat on the back?

Be ready to lay bare. Don't hide your wounds. You're creating more by doing that. Remember, it's never too damn late.

You and I

I've lost count of the times that I tried

To give vent to my thoughts and cough up

Or maybe, tweak and turn it a little

Flirting with the flitting words that I 

Always wanted to say

Call it providence, sloth or guile, what you will

I know it's not fair, not done.

Why couldn't you? Just say it!

Yes, it's not like it has to be creative

Or perfect. Just plain stupid would do!

Why does it alwyas have to be like this

I mean some things are better felt

Than 'said.' Anyways, I bet she knows!

Does she? Oh wouldn't she have...

Nopes, she won't. I have to...

----

So, here it goes. "You know what..."

And the rest is...well, if not history

Something no one remembers for sure.

Don't! Oh please, now they wouldn't agree

But you see, that doesn't matter anymore

The truth is there for all the world to see.

Blugger!

OK, so here it comes! My first attempt at 'blogging' the way bloggers are supposed to. I mean mostly in a blog you'd expect to find candid stuff from the blogger's life; not mine :( I am pretty lousy when it comes to that candid stuff. I am happy in my dreams weaving vignettes from life with the contents of a filmy (as in seen through a film; no bollywood please) bubble. 

But, this time round I feel like giving candid a shot. I was taught and brought up to behave nicely with people, especially with those who are elder to me. Never a beliver in any kind of protocol, I somehow had always abided by this one. Another one, never be rude to people. Blugger!

I have always had more than a soft corner for window seats. I make it  a point to reach the airport on time, so I can ask the person at the boarding counter for a window seat. This time too, I was there a good hour and a half before take-off to secure my window seat. Having secured that, I spent the rest of my time at the bookstore browsing through over-priced good-for-nothing coffee-table books written by equally good-for-nothing socialites.

On boarding the flight, and being greeted with the trained smiles of the flight attendents, I make my way to 26 F. There are a couple elderly guys sitting in 26F and E. I politely ask the dignified looking man in F," excuse me, that's my seat." He gives me a smug smile and replies with a question: "Do you have any problem sitting there at the aisle seat?" I reply with the practised smile my profession has taught me to use against rude people and prettly clearly put it "I prefer a window seat, so I came early..." He gives me an infurating smile and says, "All seats come for the same fare. Just sit on." !!!

Not stopping at that, he turns to the man in E and says, "this is his seat, so I asked if he has a problem sitting at mine." I try and take it off my mind and concentrate on the Hindi movie playing on the monitor in front of me. After snacks is served, one of the flight-attendents come with a feedback form, and extend it to the man in E with a practised saccharine sweet smile, " would you like to give us some feedback, sir?" Response: He opens his eyes, looks at the attendent as if she's a detergent salesgirl and waves his hand at an invisible fly.

I am astounded at the way these 'elders' travelling on a premier airline are setting examples of proper behavior for us 'youngsters.' We are rude, disrespectful, insolent, bla bla and what a fine example these 'gentlemen' were! 

I have made up my mind. I'm going to give it back to people who deserve it! Next time, I'm not going to go to the attendent and say sorry on behalf of others. I am going to turn around and say Blugger! No excusing someone for their age, just get up and vacate my seat, "yes I have a problem." Blugger!!!

Lost in the forest

A whiff of a familiar scent and touch that tells you a lot more

Than an entire website

Are things that allow me to travel back like a flip chart 

To an age free of appearances

Lost in a strange forest with no foot tracks to guide me

I grope my way through.

 

I hear the sound of broken twigs cracking under my feet like

A mad drummer out of rhythm

Endless series of cobwebs brush against my face, I stare

At the vicious spiders,

Dark, poisonous, and full of guile, they give me the creeps

But I move on braving them.

 

It’s pointless to think of cleanliness in this state, but still

I try to keep the cobwebs away

From my thoughts and that inner core of belief that keeps

Me going through anything

I close my eyes and do the flip chart; there I am back in the light

Here I am back in the light.

And I look back at the foot track I have created.