What do you do at times when you desperately want to talk to someone, anyone for that matter? You have thuoghts, emotions, very powerful ones welling up inside you that need a reciever if not a respondent. It just doesn't matter even if that person two hoots about you or your feelings/emotions or not. At such a point in time, all that you need is a release. Some way of letting all that lies pent up within you OUT.
I log in to gtalk. My luck! There's only one of my gmail contacts that are online at this point in time. And, guess what? It's me again! I had added my work id to my gtalk for some strange reason, and today of all days, I am faced with the amazing gift of the online media. You can pretend that you are talking to another freind of yours when actually, it's no one else but you at the other end. Makes for brilliant psychological analysis or niche coffee table healing book material (probably) but just doesn't work for me!
I stare in frustration at the green dot that signals that 'I' am available to talk to 'me' and most importantly, that 'I' am the only person available to 'me.' Am I reading too much into the situation or is it some sort of cosmic truth that's being handed to me on a talk clinet (literally)? In this age, when distances have become a virtual concept, because you can 'actually' reach any of your friends at any time over chat, phone, email, social networking sites, you name it, do we still have only ourselves to trust and sound out to when faced with cirses?
The answer is complex and one that I probably am the last person fit enough to answer. I also want to make it a point to state that it isn't that I don't have trustworthy frinds who I can share stuff with. I have very few, but very good friends and I treasure them and guard our fiendship like a hungry hound. But, I guess we have to accept that everything in this universe happens within a time frame. And in this frame of time, I can only talk to myself.
I try chatting across the chat clients on my desktop, but choose to use this notepad instead. There are things I need to sort out; first, with myself. I am confused, frustrated, scared of the unknown that I want to venture into. Also, I feel very vulnerable and weak. But this isn't what I want to be. I have been looking for an answer for quite some time now, and it has made me impatient. But I guess I have known the answer all along. This discussion just made it clear as daylight to me. I needed a strong affirmation from 'me' that I'm thinking right, that the path I want to tread is the right path for me (at least at this point in time), and more than anythign else, that I can. I can be what I want to be; who I want to be. No matter what I'm given to believe by whoever, I am ME.
Thanks buddy! Thanks for signing off on my appraisal of me. It was great talking to you, and you know what? I don't give a shit to any nonsense anymore; I won't take it lying down anymore. I have gotten my answer and will make sure I reach 'my' destination.
